Star Trek Deep Space Nine and the Roddenberry Underwear - My Story (part two)
Monday, October 6, 2008 at 11:50AM Welcome to Monday, sorry for the missed post on Friday. I dislocated my shoulder on Thursday evening and the pain was remarkable in its intensity and tenacity. Everything is back to normal now, but I do hate to miss a post, particularly in the middle of a story, so please accept my apologies. Now back to our narrative. We last left me lamenting the inclusion of Roddenberry Underwear amongst our wardrobe…
…So as I was saying, the only thing that I didn’t like about being on Star Trek Deep Space Nine was the underwear.
It seems that Gene Roddenberry, the creator of the Star Trek series didn’t want there to be any, ahem, unsightly bulges in space, so he had this underwear created for the men on the show.
Remember before they had birth control pills, they had girdles?
Well, these underwear were just like that, but they were for men. Fabricated from some kind of industrial strength hose, these were the most uncomfortable thing anyone could imagine trying to squeeze into. And it usually required help squeezing into them.
They were so tight that they cut off the circulation from your knees to your nipples, but the effect was obvious.
Smooth.
Wearing that underwear, one had that Ken Doll look.
Smooth…and harmless.
But that wasn’t even the worst part. Therewas the fact that they had fashioned a horizontal access, if you will, in the front of the underwear.
Now as many of you know, at least those of you who WEAR underwear, mens underwear comes complete with a vertical access. A vertical access is completely contrary to the Roddenberry Underwear access.
So, once you had divested yourself of your velcro’d costume, you reached down with your index fingers and attempted to stretch this horizontal access (made, you will recall, of industrial strength hose) apart.
It was so very difficult, you felt like you were in one of those 50’s Vic Tanny Dynamic Tension Commercials, muscles bulging, face red, hands trembling under the stress as you attempted to pull apart this elastic guillotine and reach in with your middle fingers to find your vertical access on your own underwear.
With you hands trembling and going in two directions at once, both horizontal and vertical, you looked not unlike someone afflicted with St Vidus Dance, which of course would impact your accuracy once the original act had commenced.
But even that isn’t the worst part.
The worst part came when you finally found …yourself. I mean, it took a while because you have been mashed and mangled into some little corner of your body and, well…there’s hardly anything left.
You find this little thing in the corner of your body and it’s so sad and helpless looking. Remember that thing on a Turkey beak? There you go. So sad.
I mean, it’s practically an “inny”. It’s so tiny and mashed you would actually find yourself involuntarily shouting, “O GOD!”
By the way, that’s how you could always tell a new guy on the set. You’ve be passing the Men’s Room and you’d hear, “O GOD!”
“New guy,” you’d say to whomever was with you.
Reader Comments (6)
James, OUCH on the dislocated shoulder - I'm relieved you're okay. I've heard the Roddenberry underwear story at your live shows and didn't think you could possibly do it justice in the written form, but I was wrong. As I read Part 2 (at work), I laughed so loud, several of my co-workers came running into my office to see what all the noise was about. I shared it with them and they loved it too. I believe I made some converts in the process. Please keep the stories coming.
Melissa
I do share this, especially with the trekkies I know, and tey love it!!
These stories are just soooooo funny!!
Thanks for sharing.
Eva
So many thoughts...
Ok since i'm the only man responding...i'm not sure which is worse your shoulder or losing you man parts in support hose underwear...being that Gene was a man why on earth would he design underwear like this...i mean I cant pee right untill the whole three piece sweet if you will is out of the bag...or the bag is out of the bag...which begs another question...haw did you manage not crushing the...um...other matching pieces of the set...you should have asked a drag queen or a tranny hooker...they could have helped
I had a situation arise...or not if you will...where i was working out on a second hand rowing machine and the foam rubber seat was practically gone...as a reult after a half hour work out I'd be numb and my penis(lets call things what they all) and my my nether regions m general were numb as well...let me describe it this way...on a movie shoot in a very cold climate Harry Connick Jr. saidthat his"penis looked like a stack of buttons"...i suffeed from that as well and it took some handling to return to my normal splender...and then I started running instead...
Well Mr Stanley you have provided me with a marvelous bedtime story...btw do you still have the man panties?
Namaste,
Bobby
For the help please use http://www.google.com
So you had a dislocated shoulder that led you to miss a post. Good that you're OK now.
Dana Brigola
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well this blog is great i love reading your articles. zeatho zeatho - red bottom heel.