What Makes A Good Lyric, Part 4 (Still writing that song!)
Wednesday, April 9, 2008 at 10:18PM This writing a song in cyber space is fun. I started to make comments at the bottom but then realized that I should just use this as the post for today. So please read all the comments to Wednesday’s post (and if you haven't, all of part 3, so that you’ll be up to speed). 
Bobby from Ohio re wrote his lines to be more in rhythm with what I had already created.
The song started out:
We met at the Red Pony, on the coast of Monterey…
You said you liked martini’s dry, as the sunlight slipped away
We laughed at karaoke, we toasted one and all
It seemed as tho no time had passed until we heard “last call”
That’s the verse and I think if you say the lyrics aloud, you can hear the rhythm. Here’s what Bobby wrote:
We stepped outside around 2:30...
The rain was really coming down
Ran two blocks to your apartment
Cold and wet without a sound
We undressed each other
You put a record on
Joni Mitchell singing People's Parties
By then we only had eachother on
We made love until the dawn broke
Water Glistening on the ground
We fell asleep in love we thought
Tho we both had been around
In order to make this version work for me, I would need to make the following changes. And I’ll just do it to the first few lines, then leave it to you to make the rest of them fall in place:
Outside around 2:30, the rain was coming down
We ran three blocks to your place, just off the edge of town
Do you feel the the rhythm now? Of course, it doesn’t always have to be this way in every song you write, but in this particular exercise, we are writing to a rhythm and within that rhythm, we want all the words to fall as they would in conversation. The accents have to land on the same place they would land on the word if you just said it. And that’s what makes them scan, as they say.
Andrew suggested a chorus and proceeded to write not only the lyrics but gave us a chord progession (employing the numbers for the chords) to use over it. For those who don’t understand it, think of do re mi. and sing the scale, now for do you substitute 1, for re, 2 and so on. The mode (or scale) you use determines what each chord sounds like. In the standard major scale (just sing do to do in a scale…that’s the major scale) the 1 chord is major (do mi so), and the two and three chords are minor (the third, or mi is down half a step from the pitch in a major chord and identified as me (pronounced may). If this is still confusing, write me off blog and I’ll explain it to you in detail. Now here’s the chorus that Andrew suggested:
4 5
Her baby blues blended with the sea,
1 1/3 4
There on the rocks they reached for me:
4 5
I didn't know if the salt on my lips,
1 1/7 6m
came from the wind or her neck I kissed,
2m 1/3
Threw up caution to what passed by,
4 5
Didn't care if it took all night.
2m 1/3 4
Gave in to what we needed most
1/3 4 5 1
Wrapped in love and the California coast.
Her baby blues blended with the sea
There on the rocks they reached for me
Mixed the metaphor here, even in poetry it somehow isn’t impactful to me to say her eyes reached for me. Arms, hands, even gaze, but somehow it just doesn’t seem like a successful connection. I do like the “on the rocks” as we had the maritini reference earlier. I like the salt on the lips and the question of where it came from. That’s fun, but “threw up caution” immediately sent me to the wrong interpretation, so I wouldn’t use it like that. “Gave in to what we needed most” is interesting, but basically with all the words in the verses and the fact that it’s a story song leads me to want a chorus that is short and sweet. What I suggested in the comments was to take a cue from the last line of the first verse:
The last line of the first verse was, “it seemed as if no time had passed until we heard last call” so what comes to mind immediately to me is:
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance.
At first it seemed hokey, but upon further reflection, it seems like a good idea for a chorus for a pop song. Tho I think we should take it one line further. What would you do here?
Reader Comments (8)
ok starting with your lead I rewrote and changed some things...and it makes a good build up to the chorus:
Outside around 2:30, the rain was coming down
We ran three blocks to your place, just off the edge of town
Joni Mitchell on the radio
We then began the dance
Making love until the dawn broke
Our steps taken every stance
Bodies fit connestions found
Fell asleep soaked in romance
Tho we both had been around
How's this for the chorus third line:
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance.
Moving fast moving slow Till there's no place left to go
There it is. I've been waiting for the inevitable reference to "the dance" (the only dance there is)!
L.J.
I think if "tho we both had been around" which doesnt fit...is removed the verse might be finally usuable:
Outside around 2:30
The rain was coming down
We ran three blocks to your place
Just off the edge of town
Joni Mitchell on the radio
We then began the dance
Making love until the dawn broke
Our steps taken every stance
Bodies fit connestions found
Fell asleep soaked in romance
ok hows that?
Ok, so let's take the best of my "chorus" as maybe a bridge:
I didn't know if the salt on my lips,
came from the wind or her neck I kissed,
but there on the rocks, we gave in...
to what we needed most.
For the chorus, I like just having the 2 lines. If we have a cool grove going, let's "K.I.S.S." it and leave it alone.
Bobby, I like your re-writes. In comparison to the 1st verse of James', his first line has 7 syllables, so does yours, his second has 7, yours has 6. Maybe we can say.."A strange storm was raining down." This will allow the listener to imagine a real rainstorm, or was it a storm of emotions, passion, desire?
Next line, "We ran three blocks to your new place." Adding new gives the 8 syllables James used in the 1st verse. Next line fits.
Starting with Joni, we have 9 syllables to James' 7. So we can say "joni on the radio" or " Joni Mitchell filled the air (or space)." Next line fits.
Now, we have 4 lines to James' 2. I like your rhymes, but we are using those rhymes in the chorus. Maybe we can rework them with different words.. so at Joni,
"Joni Mitchell filled the space,
Our conversation lacked.
Our bodies said what we could not,
and led us to the act."
I don't like that last line, but thought I'd put that out there for thought.
Now at least the cadence follows the first verse, so now our melody can follow.
What does everyone think?
Sorry, I meant to do this in my post and not create a new one. But just so we don't have to keep searching up through the blog, here is what I propose so far...
We met at the Red Pony, on the coast of Monterey
You said you liked martini’s dry, as the sunlight slipped away.
We laughed at karaoke, we toasted one and all
It seemed as tho no time had passed until we heard “last call”
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance.
Outside around 2:30, a strange storm was raining down.
We ran three blocks to your new place, Just off the edge of town.
Joni Mitchell filled the space, our conversation lacked.
Our bodies said what we could not, so we just let them act." (yes I changed that just now)
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance.
I didn't know if the salt on my lips,
came from the wind or her neck I kissed,
but there on the rocks, we gave in...
to what we needed most.
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance
Last call, last dance, last chance for romance.
andrew, thanks for putting so much into this. you have grasped the ideas that i was trying to convey with the rhythms and the unfolding of the story. cool. that being said, i must say that i don't agree with many of your choices. the strange rain and the new place and the cpmversation lacked seem unnecessary to me and slightly awkward to sing and even to recite. i prefer the idea that the connection was so profound, intimate and immediate that making love was the absolutely most obvious and natural place for it to go. lacking conversation and what we needed most don't take the song where i would like it to go.
i am going to take another whack at the whole thing and then see if a melody suggests itself. if so, i'll put it up on myspace and we all can give it a listen.
james
Well I think you don't have to worry so much on the lyrics 'cause I think that if you want to grow up as an artist you have to love what you do. When you love what you do, you can see if you're making a mistake on the lyrics or on the music 'cause you teach your ears and brain to pay attention to what you do. To be carefully with your work and know how to make it perfect. If you understand this you can write a song about anything including Sildenafil and I'm sure that will be perfect.