Songwriting Part 6 / The Red Pony Song - Final Draft
Wednesday, July 16, 2008 at 01:57PM I am on the road, in Milwaukee today and won’t be back into Los Angeles until Monday night, so I won’t be doing anything on the site but posting today and Friday’s blogpost. I will get to all the comments and contest stuff when I get back.
On the plane yesterday, I reworked the lyrics that we all worked on a few weeks ago and I put a melody to it last night. I decided to lose the martini reference as we had salty lips and margarita smiles later on, so I kept it margaritas all the way thru, maintained the moon reference and basically tried to make certain that the all the lyrics lined up in the same direction. Here are the new lyrics. Let me know what you think of the changes:
We met in the Red Pony on the coast of Monterey
Sipping margaritas as the sunlight slipped away
We laughed at karaoke, we toasted one and all
It seemed as tho no time had passed until we heard last call
Last call, last dance, last call, last dance
It was the blue and empty hour when we walked into the night
The waves were whisp’ring to us, the moon was new and bright
The sand was shining silver as like fools we raced that moon
Til breathless then and laughing we fell behind a dune
Fast fall, slow dance, take the chance, take the chance
We were so high, so high, we looked back at the moon
With salty kisses on our lips and jose cuervo’s grin
We blended with the darkness the joy of skin on skin
We found inside each other love’s secret hiding place
And made a promise to that moon, a promise face to face
Last call, last dance, last chance, romance
Let me have your feedback and I’ll have a melody that I can record and put up no myspace by the time I get back on Monday. Til then it’s safe travels and dry places to sleep for me…and crowds of discerning intelligent people, I trust.
Reader Comments (5)
Karaoke...I really tried not to say anything...and if I'm out voted so be it...The Karaoke line...well actually just the word karaoke it makes my skin crawl..."We laughed at ev'rybody"...We laughed til we were sober"...karaoke just seems so throw away
And then there is the "raced that moom"...it just seems an obvious reference to "Racing the Moon"...maybe its not at all and my love for that song(which is HUGE)...and I'm projecting...and I'm nothing if not a projector...but it may be that the moon is used in two other lines...which are good lines
"Fell behind a dune"...the word feel just seems too clumsy...and not in a sexy clumsy way just clumsy clumsy...yeah I know the couple have been drinking...what about:"We sank behind a dune"?
jose cuervo...BRILLIANT!...it seems just voyueristic enough that jose is watching and smiling and surreal too
blended with the darkness...marvelous...joy of skin on skin...passionate without being too Carnal...
The lyrics are really good...and the spots that I personally dont like...well if its just me then I'll have to live with it
Bobby
oh you just wanted comments on the NEW lyrics...well My mistake....All Apologies
James—The lyrics are cool, I just regret not participating—the next one for sure!
My guess in September 15th,2008.
Take care,
Max
thanks for the comments. as to the karaoke line, it is simply too universal to be removed. literally everyone has laughed at karaoke. it helps the every listener to be engaged. and it's okay to have words that you just won't use. lennon said that "just" was a bad word to use and he said he'd never use it. i believe he did use it, but that's another story.
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