Who We Are and Where We Are In Life - The Connection
I had quite a heated argument with a dear friend of mine a while back. She was angry and felt, justifiably, that she had been treated badly. As I listened to her as she unloaded her burden, I realized that there was a universal theme showing up in every situation she described.
We are in the only place we could be given who we are.
And I realized that we are right where we are in life because of who we are, as individuals, as groups, as cities, states, country and world.
In every social equation in your life there is only one consistent, common component and that is you. No matter what has gone down in your life; no matter what situation you are in; no matter how different all these situations are, there is only one common component. You.
If you do the math, that means that ultimately, you are responsible for who you are; where you are; what you are. You take up the most space in your life equations so you have the most influence and responsibility.
You can rant and rave about anything you want, but the reality is that there is only one thing that you can change. You. You can’t change one other person.
You can change the way you handle things; the way you react; the way you forgive (a huge one), and you don’t do it by making grand announcements or vast lists of resolutions.
The next time that you react to something in a way that doesn’t serve you, at the moment you recognize what you’ve done, whether it is seconds, minutes, hours or days later, acknowledge it and stop going that way. Apologize if need be, make amends as they say in twelve step programs, but after you‘ve done that once and realize that it doesn’t hurt too much, and you can catch it again and you will catch it a little bit sooner with practice.
Once you are aware of what you are doing to harm yourself and you recognize and acknowledge it, you will find that it is a tiny bit easier and a tiny bit sooner to recognize and acknowledge. Then you rectify it and soon you are noticing the problem inside of you before you even say outloud the thing that you previously had to apologize for.
I’m not kidding, you can change what isn’t working for you, but you can’t do it in huge chunks. It’s day to day, minute to minute.
But it can be done, and you can do it. Take charge of your life one second at a time. The years will take care of themselves.
james lee stanley
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Reader Comments (4)
James,
I realize that you will likely never read this reply post...so I will state my honest opinion...
So, do you really mean that your friend was solely responsible for
her feeling hurt about that which had been wrongly done to her? That perspective takes the responsibility away from the person
who treated your friend badly and caused her to feel hurt in
the first place.
Why is it acceptable for a person to treat another person badly and then blame that person for feeling hurt about it? So many people justify their own callous actions by acting indifferently about
what they have done to another person.
That is so wrong...so very wrong.
Miki~
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I think the point here isn't that anyone has the right to treat another badly or that being hurt or angry is wrong. It isn't It's perfectly natural and, in some ways necessary to have these feelings. But...if the same things keep happening over and over, if the feelings stick around forever and ever, then that is NOT right, and the only one who can change that is you.
That's the point here. YOU are the only one who can change the choices you make, the way you act or react, the way you do things. When you have hurt or angry feelings there are lots of ways to react. The point here is to learn ways to react that serve you in the best way possible and get you past the hurt and anger.
miki and eva, as it happens i do read and try to reply to every post on datamusicata. this particular article was not addressing the bozo that hurt my friend with their inexcusable behavior. this was about how my friend got to that place in time; that situation; that experience. and it was one that she has experienced over and over again. and that is what lead me to believe that it is the choices that she is making that are putting her in this place over and over again. pehaps her soul knows something she has to learn and that's why she's here. perhaps it's something else. all i was trying to convey is that ultimately we are responsible for who we are in our lives and where we are. no one else is to blame. life flings everything at you and the way you handle it is what makes up the quality of your own life. at least that is what i currently believe. life also has a way of altering what we believe is true. and those alterations come about because of what we experience and then apply. this article was not about the current hurt, but the panapoly of hurt that she had experienced over the years. she was the only common denominator in all those equations. what can we infer from that.
and finally, thanks so much for posting your honest feelings. everything is easier when that happens.
That;s more or less where I was going James, but you say it so much better <G> It's kind of like standing in the batter's box, facing a really good pitcher. You know he's gonna throw stuff at you, and you are going to have to react to whatever comes across (or near) the plate. Swing, duck, bunt, take the pitch, whatever. Now you can swing at everything, always take the pitch, step out, etc. but if you want to be a success you have to choose the reaction that is most appropriate and likely to get you to first base, You have no control over the pitcher, but you DO control the bat <G>