You Have To Give To Get - Reciprocity

I know that I’ve been remiss here at Datamusicata.   I think I felt like I didn’t know anything else I could tell you that I didn’t already tell you, but then I realized that life isn’t static; stuff happens all the time, and how I deal with it may be instructive and useful to other people, maybe even you.

Yesterday I received a call from a local singer songwriter who has long professed an admiration for what I do.   He is a guitar player and likes my use of effects and the looping station that I use.   I will write about using a looping station tomorrow, but for today…

He also wanted to know who gave me the guitar lessons I talked about on stage at the last concert he attended.    I happily gave him Chuck Smith’s name and the Woodlowe Music Store in Woodland Hills, California, where he teaches.    

He had decided that he too would take lessons and that he would pay Chuck a fee for his expertise.

Now comes the funny part.

He asked me if he could come by and show his songs to me, get me to suggest arrangement improvements if warranted and to generally critique the songs, and he asked me if I would show him how to really use the looping station and which songs I would suggest that he use it on.

I know that he admires what I do  and I know that he respects what I do.    So much so that he wanted  my consultation.   What he didn’t want to do, it would seem, was actually pay me for my services.

I know that I could have said that it sounds like you want to hire me to consult with you on the composition and arrangement of your songs and to give you some guitar lessons regarding the use of effects.

But this is someone that I have known for a  while, so I didn’t know what to do.   I didn’t want to appear avaricious or condescending, but here’s the reality of the situation. 

He wanted me to stop my life, musical and otherwise, and help him get his musical life together.   He wanted the benefit of my expertise and he wanted me to pay for it with the most precious and irreplaceable thing we have…time.   He offered nothing in return.   

I am not talking, “what’s in it for me?”   I am talking social resciprocity.   “I am imposing on you I know, so here’s what I will do in return.”

While I am a nurturing  person and an encouraging one, I am also an extremely busy one.   I write, arrange, produce and engineer all my own work.  I also promote my work at radio and media, often alone, but sometimes with people that I HIRE for their expertise.  I also do the booking and  do all the follow up.   And presently I have a solo CD, Backstage at the Resurrection, that’s doing well at radio and a new duet CD with my pal, Cliff Eberhardt, All Wood and Doors.

So what I am trying to say is, if you know a person, friend, relative, etc who has some expertise that you would like to take advantage of,  then offer to hire them and pay them for the time that they are taking with you.  That way, you leave it open to them to decide whether they will do it for free or at some reduced rate or not at all. 

But when you just ask them to instruct you or consult  on your work, you leave it to them to bring up the idea of recompense.    That’s not their responsibility in my opinion, unless they do teaching for a living.  It’s the responsibility of  the person making the request.

And if you are strapped for funds, you can offer something else in trade.  “let me take  you to lunch”  “let me make you lunch”   “let me make you a guitar strap”   whatever…  make the gesture.

It makes the person you are imposing on feel good about themselves and, more than likely, they will do it for free anyhow.   It’s just that now you let them make the offer.  

This all being said, I’ll probably give my acquaintance and hour or two anyhow.  I just wish that he’d offered so I would not feel like my time isn’t worth as much as the guitar teacher.

Comments

[Eva]

Great post James, and applicable to so many things. It's so on-point to the discussion in one of the knitting groups I belong to that I shared the link with them. It's a hot topic with that group, and I think you hit it dead on.

[Andy]

the principle of reciprocity is very common in many cultures and it is amazing how different cultures all around the world believe in to give to get, like the ancient Mayas. I was at pharmacy escrow blog and found some information related to the this principle, you give money and get medications back